A List of Things That Helped Me Survive my Twenties
I turned thirty this year. I was looking forward to it more so than any birthdays past; perhaps because it felt like I was finally shedding the painful early years of my twenties. Finally moving to a new chapter. I had been though so much to get to this birthday. Leaving terrible jobs for new terrible jobs to finally help me find a job I don't mind waking up to every day. Quitting without apologizing. Understanding the type of friend I am and the type of friends I need. Calling off a wedding and ending a long-term relationship, which allowed me to learn what I need in a lover. Traveling to another country alone for the first time.
The words I've written the last decade have only gotten better, more saturated in authenticity. If I'm lucky enough to live this next decade, I plan on living it with full-hearted excitement for what is coming next every day.
I can say this only because my twenties almost killed me.
No, really, I didn't think I'd survive. I didn't understand any of the things that happened during those years while they were happening, and of course we never do when we're going through them. But there are a few reasons why, during all of it, I kept going:
Reading What I Wanted
I had to stop caring what other people thought of the books I had packed into my bags everywhere I went. I was an English Literature major in college, surrounded by some of the most intelligent people I'd ever met. I was so insecure.
I did well in my courses, because I knew I was a good writer, and I was an even better reader. But I don't often pause before I talk aloud so often I sound as though I'm out of breath, and I didn't start participating in class until my last semester of school. In high school, I brought a new Nora Roberts romantic mystery in my backpack every day. I was obsessed with the romance and the murder and trying to figure out who the killer was. I barely cared what people thought, but somewhere along the way something changed. In college, I carried around my textbooks like a badge of honor, pretending to understand Finnigan's Wake (spoiler: many people don't understand Finnigan's Wake). But after I graduated, a friend recommended Eleanor & Park to me by Rainbow Rowell. I wasn't sure if I could read it, because it had been so long since I'd read something for the fun of it. I had been reading every day for my classes for so long, oftentimes books that didn't make me feel anything. But Eleanor & Park made me fall in love with reading again. I soaked up every word, and from that point on I only read books that made me feel again.
TLDR: Don't waste your twenties reading anything that you have to force down.
2. Saying Affirmations Daily
When I was in my mid-twenties, I found a life coach. She saw me when no one else did, understanding my sadness and anger when no one else saw it. Seeing my unhappiness fall off me in waves as she talked to me every day.
"What do you tell yourself every day?"
"What do you mean," I asked.
"What are you affirmations? Every day I tell myself I'm all the things I used to believe I wasn't."
I didn't have any, but when I took a moment to pause and let my heart tell me the things I felt, deep down, I wasn't, I realized what I needed to tell myself every day. And every day I tell myself I am worthy and I am pretty, smart, strong, enough, and capable of change. For the first few days it feels ridiculous, and then the next few weeks you get used to it. And then one day, you're looking out the window and realize you're saying "I am" instead of "you are", and that's the moment you start to believe all the things you've been repeating to yourself. Find out your affirmations and never stop saying them.
3. Reading Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff
If you're struggling, like all of us, with that awful little voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough then you need to read this book.
"Where is that written contract you signed before birth promising that you'd be perfect, that you'd never fail, and that your life would go absolutely the way you want it to?" - Kristin Neff
This isn't a "self-help" book, this is a guide. Kristin explains a lot about our inner child, and she gives the reader practical examples to use every day. In yoga, during my shavasana, I ask my inner child to come to me and I hold her while she shows me all the memories in our life that have brought us pain; pain she's trying to protect us from with her anger. Holding her through it brings us both the peace we need to move on. She teaches you how to caress yourself when something isn't going the way you expected it to. She makes you repeat aloud all the awful things we say to ourselves. She shows you how to forgive yourself for being human.
4. Quitting Jobs I Hated
God, I can't even tell you the pain I felt during my first job out of college. I'd been working there for three years, without a promotion, and with my boss telling me he was fighting for me. It wasn't worth it. I found another job, I quit. And that job? It was worse. So I found another job, and I quit. And then I worked another three years at a company where the CEO yelled at us on a regular basis. After I was recruited to another company, I quit. It's been almost two years where I'm at now and I've never been happier, because I've seen the worst I could, perhaps, but also because I know I'm appreciated. It's tough, and it's scary. I've always been afraid of leaving anything, worried it's a mistake. But every job I've had has taught me what I want and what I deserve. And if, one day, my current job makes me unhappy. Well, I'll have to quit.
5. BumbleBFF
I met one of my best friends on this app (I also met my soon-to-be-husband). I met a lot of really great people that weren't compatible with my friendship as I'm an introvert and don't personally enjoy leaving my house often, so I need to be friends with people who are OK with me cancelling plans, knowing eventually I'll get up the courage to hang out another week. But BumbleBFF helped me test a lot of different types of friendship. Make friends in your twenties that suit your personality, who don't expect more out of you than you can give.
6. Meal Delivery Kits
Being in your twenties is hard enough without having to come up with a meal plan every week (unless you love doing this). I personally had a lot of trouble with cooking and feeling too exhausted to even try after grocery shopping. Getting a meal delivery kit was a life-saver, and it actually made it possible for me to enjoy and look forward to cooking for myself.
7. Living Alone
If you can afford it, live on your own. I lived with roommates in college and move right in with my former partner after, never once having a place that was truly my own. I thought I'd hate it, I thought I'd be scared. I was worried I wouldn't be able to afford it. I made it work, and my first apartment was definitely way more expensive than I could afford but I loved it. If you're the type of person where you spend a majority of your time at home, spend more on a place you enjoy being in. Somehow the money for all the things I needed came in. I'd take on side gigs, write resumes, work on one-time projects. It was always worth it because I loved where I was living.
8. Journey to the Heart by Melodie Beattie
When my fiance and I started dating, he brought me "Journey to the Heart" on our first date. So often these daily meditations would set my day up or help me unwind after dealing with a difficult situation. They were always relatable, always helped reframe the situation I was in, and brought a warmth to my day.
9. 10% Happier by Dan Harris
Dan Harris's book was one of the first I'd read on meditation. Since then, I've read many books on the subject but none that fit my personality as much as this one did. Dan was a skeptic in the book at the same time I was wondering if meditation and present-moment-living was even a possibility for me.
I used to look back at my younger self, wishing I could shake her. Shake her into understanding that I didn't have to stay in places out of fear. I didn't have to prove anything to anyone. But now I feel fondness for her, because she wouldn't have listened to me. But if I could get through to her, I'd tell her to read what you want, not what the world wants you to read. People want to hear your words, don’t hide from them. You don’t have to be confident, you just have to have courage. Forgive yourself. It’s the path to falling in love with your life.
